Batboy, The Screech That Would Not Be Silenced

The moon landing, the Nixon Impeachment, the assassination of JFK, the death of John Lennon, and Batboy. Frozen moments in history, times that all people can recall, where they were, who they were with, even the weather of the day. These moments impact our lives, and for a brief second, we are as much a part of these stories as those involved. June 23 1992, a day that lives in infamy. On news stands everywhere the frightened face of a child touched a piece of all of our souls. Batboy was his name. He was pulled alone and scared from a West Virginia cave, drug forth into a spotlight he did not ask for, nor knew what to do with. An overnight sensation saw Batboy rocket to stardom, on the lips of the world he traveled from pole to pole. Despite his grotesque appearance, inability to speak any language, and questionable moral standpoint people fell in love with him. But what happens when the love stops, when the stories run out, and the former object of adoration is cast into a society he knows nothing about. These are the questions I intend to answer. Where for art thou Batboy?

It took a while to track down the elusive Batboy, now a full grown man.  His story is one of high peaks and deep lows as he still struggles to assimilate himself into a society that is not his own. When the story first broke, he was a media darling, America could not get enough, and Hollywood was no different. Batboy enjoyed partying hard with other child stars of the time, and they in turn used his status to increase their own. Batboy also began habits he saw around him that lead down dark roads, and still follow him today. His fall from grace was as fast as it was hard. Batboy sank into depression fuelled by drugs, alcohol, and the occasional eating of stray dogs.

He dropped lower and lower on the entertainment ladder, eventually finding himself as the opening act for Pauley Shore’s stand up comedy act. When Pauley cast him aside for, ironically not being funny, Batboy was cast out of the spot light he had grown to depend upon. Plunging himself deeper into booze, Cheetos and stealing hamsters from pet stores, Batboy’s existence was pitiful at best. He eventually stopped going outside altogether, and became consumed with another far worse addiction, Guitar Hero.

His debts quickly caught up to him, and if he wanted to keep up his not so lavish life style, he would have to earn money himself. A job was a difficult proposition for Batboy, only able to communicate in shrieks, high pitched squeals, and the occasional rude hand gesture, lent him little skill to shop around. In a grievous misguided attempt to help a childhood hero, the foreman of a construction company gave Batboy a job as a front end loader operator. Due to legal restrictions, and a liability case still pending we are unable to release the name of the company, or the foreman, only to say the unfortunate half hour of employment left 6 fatalities, 14 wounded, and 16.2 million dollars in damage done.

The only other job he was able to acquire was one as a greeter/cart boy at a major department store. This too was short lived however.

Routinely showing up smelling of booze, and processed cheese, and then harassing customers for their carts before they were done with them, did not endear him to management. The store finally had to take action when they noticed customer numbers dropping off only on the days Batboy greeted. Complaint cards of being screeched at, built up quickly. Finally the biting of one old lady ended his tenure. Batboy had truly hit rock bottom.

In the weeks that followed his firing, not much is known as he never left his illegal basement suite. It’s estimated though he ate the equivalent of 15 Taiwanese babies in snack foods, and drank a large size tropical fish tanks worth of Vodka. When his rent money went unaccounted for, for the 3rd time his landlord, and friend, a reluctant to speak to the press, Mr. Shmelvis Shmestly had the heartbreaking task of evicting Batboy. Upon entering the residence, Mr. Shmestly was overcome by the stench and disarray of the domicile. He found Batboy unresponsive, passed out and laying in the middle of the small room. He called 911 immediately. Batboy had put himself in a booze and Cheeto induced coma.

The story leaked, and word spread like wildfire, landing Batboy on the news yet again. A happy coincidence saw former child star and now security guard Gary Coleman watching TV at the very time the Batboy coma story broke. Feeling terrible for his old friend, and knowing just how hard life after fame is, he reached out and finally gave Batboy the hand he needed so desperately.

The coma lasted a day short of a week, and once Batboy was re-hydrated, and given actual food, he was able to be released. Mr. Coleman, who had visited the hospital a number of times, was there to meet Batboy and offer a ride, and a generous proposition. If Batboy attended rehab, and kicked his addictions, he would be hired on as a security guard with Mr. Coleman‘s company. It was this kind act that not only gave Batboy a life of his own, but was instrumental in bringing this harrowing tale to you, the readers.

By sheer happenstance the HMA’s own Eric Austin entered the very building Batboy worked in. Recognising him instantly Eric explained who he was, and that there was a legion of Batboy fans out there dying to hear his story. Reluctant at first, not wanting to find himself at the mercy of the spotlight that near ruined him before, it took some cajoling on Eric’s part to get him the talk… or screech. After a short while, Batboy agreed to let the HMA cover his life, loss, and comeback. Proof of his sincerity to this new life, Batboy takes his security position very seriously, as Eric can attest to first hand, after ignoring warnings from Batboy of a restricted area. We all wish Eric a speedy recovery.

We are proud to announce the HMA as Batboy’s springboard, and lifeline to his fans. A new section will be going up very shortly, ‘Ask Batboy’ where his true fans and well wishers can send him questions he will then answer. As well, he has agreed to a very limited appearance at the upcoming Mask-Fest event where he will meet and greet you the fans, as well as sign autographs and dispense wisdom… in the form of shrieks and squeals. We would like to thank Batboy for the graciousness of this exclusive interview, and the continued work with the HMA. We also wish him the very best in all his future endeavors, and look forward to watching his further rise from the ashes.

Created by HMA members for the Halloween Mask Association

Any actual names or likeness of celebrities are used in a fictitious and parodied manner. Readers should suspend belief for the sake of entertainment.

Special thanks:
ALL of the HMA members
Eric Austin
Travis Sallenbach
Brett Walker
Chris Russell
MASK FEST 2010

Tags: BATBOY, halloween mask, latex mask